Isn't it weird how much we all seem to be on medicine? Do we need it? Want it? Don't know how to live without it? Are all of us constantly on some kind of medicine? What is your medicine?
All these are things we use to fill those empty parts that we have gaping. I've tried all of these and still the closest thing I get to being content is praying to God. He is my medicine. Does that sound like a cop out to you? Well it isn't. I really think our society is talked into believing we can't do it for ourselves. I read and have been around friends who constantly struggle with different doctors, different prescriptions that leave side effects. Some they cope with. Are we afraid to just try to live on our own?
I think for some people they are. For me, I had my baby and what you call post-partum depression snuck on me. It was a feeling of suffocation and constant sadness. Deep falling sadness.
My family kept telling me to see a doctor but all that stuff I just wrote up there was saying I didn't need it and not to fall into the trap. So I went to the doctor so they would all shut up and leave me alone and the first thing he asked me was how I felt. I described feeling anxious, not wanting to leave the house, suffocation, not being able to breathe. The basic symptoms of anything that needs medicine to fix it right?
He suggested I take Effexor XR. That is an antidepressant used to treat social anxiety disorder. Among others. Its also extended release so its going to give me a little burst of happy throughout my day. I went ahead and took my complementary candy happy pills and walked away. I figured with the baby with me, I'd better take a drive to my mother's home.
I popped a pill and a few hours later I was staring at the pretty green trees. Yes they were so beautiful. How simple life is. How fragrant and wonderful. I'm not in pain. I don't have an ailment. I can walk. I can breath on my own. I have my own baby that I made with love with my incredible husband who treats me like a queen. Suddenly it all made sense. Now my life was perfect. It really was. I am an amazing strong independent wonderful person. Incredible.
With my new confidence, I was a little embarrassed. I had dismissed my previous feelings of dismay to just some PMS and misguided hormones. The medicine was helping me get to the place I needed to be. Not completely negative. I was eeyore walking around hopeless. Now I can enjoy my baby and not being yelling for no reason at my husband who doesn't deserve it.
I was also mad at myself for telling my depressed friend in college that she didn't need medicine. We could work through her dad's death and her feelings of sadness by talking. Maybe sometimes medicine works. Maybe sometimes it doesn't. Maybe there isn't always an excuse for your behavior and you need to hold yourself accountable for it. At least thats' what I decided to do.
So after four months on the medicine I decided to get off of it. The doctor suggested that amount of time for my hormones to regulate back.
It was very hard to get off the medicine. I felt really loopy and that my brain had lightning flashes. Very weird. Also I got some nausea and was just irritated a lot. But after about a week of that, I was myself again. I felt like myself before I was pregnant. It was really refreshing. Like I woke up from a dream.
It's been about five months since I've been off the medicine and once in awhile I'll have a couple drinks. But that's about it as far as medicine goes. I did start feeling that anxiety again the other day. When I get like that I'm usually by myself and kind of go into this zone that no one would like me in so I don't call anyone. That should be what I do, but I don't. I rationalize why no one would want to hear me complain. Its so silly.
Now that I have some sense of purpose in my life again with this writing, I feel much better. I have something to do that I love. I have a passion for telling a story, explaining myself in words.
I urge you if you are like this or any of this sounds familiar to write a list of things you love. Then start doing them. It will make you feel better. I'm at home most of the time with the baby. I play and read with him of course. I just needed something that was my own. And this helps.