Thursday, July 31, 2008

A Bright-mare

It's pretty sad when a Dream has to WAKE ME UP!

How many of us woman blame everything else but ourselves?
If you look at a happy newly engaged couple, they are vibrant, cuddly, in each others faces. It's kind of enough to make us puke. But remember we were there once too. How long does it take for those initial lust endorphines to fade away?

This is what I'm talking about ladies. The minute that ends, it's up to us to keep our minds in the right places. I have veered. I began to believe I wasn't good enough, stopped getting my hair done. Stopped working out. Stopped looking at my husband the way I used to. Why? Because he was mean to me? No I had no excuses but my own. I hate my excuses. They are so easy to get wrapped up in to focus on instead of the truth.

I was impatient, mean, hateful, and what for? Why did my husband seem so far away? Not because of him, because I was pushing him away with my insecurities that I built up for myself.

When do you stop flirting? Never. Keep that going. Keep taking care of yourself. It's important for your well-being and for your family. A happy mom makes a happy home. I forgot how good it feels when you get home from a workout and you're red-faced. I sleep a lot less and get a lot more work done.

This is tough. It's hard to say, that's me. I did this. I realized all of this because I had a dream last night. It probably started where my insecurities were peaked in my life. Middle school was the scene. Actually I believe it was a reunion that had everyone from middle school but we were grown up.
So there I was spending all my energy on trying to find the friends I thought I had, when all along I never had any real friends. This is my dream, not in real life so if any of my real friends today, this isn't pertaining to you. But you know how you spend so much energy on yourself and not really developing friendships? And wondering why you aren't having a group around you? Well this was the situation.

Well the entire time my husband was playing around with his old friends. I came up to him lonely and defeated at the end of the reunion. He was happy as a lark. And there was a girl there. A beautiful girl. She asked me who I was and why was I sitting next to my husband. I said because we're married. She looked at me disgusted and said well you haven't been with him the entire night. I was so mad at her for saying that but this is true.

For my life. How many days do we spend getting ourselves in shape, picking out the perfect wedding dress, writing love notes, taking care of everything for sometimes years planning one day. Our wedding day for the one we love. Then when the marriage comes, what do we do? Does that energy go away? Just ask yourself that question.

So here I am back in my dream focused on this gorgeous girl. Jealousy sets in. I make sure and flirt with my husband. It doesnt' matter. He is already lured in my the jezebel. I know it and in a way its my fault. I still get caught up in my dream evening trying to figure out why all my friends left me sittign by myself. I was caught up in myself and in my head. Therefore I'm left alone. Makes sense to anyone watching. But not me. While I'm caught up in my head, my husband and the jezebel leave at some point. She had noticed my distraction and took him away.

I went searching for him in my dream and found them making out. Then I grabbed the jezebel and tried to enforce violence. Why does that happen? Even if that happens in real life, we never look at the guy? I guess because we understand the intentions of the woman. We look at her as she ruined our lives. But did she? Was that her fault? My husband in my dream would never do that in real life. But that is my insecurity. That is my real life fear. That someday I will push him away enough where he starts opening his mind and entertaining the thought of a loving woman who will appreciate him. Why not?

This made me very angry and very frustrated. I know its just a dream, but I'm thankful for it. It gave me the motivation I needed sadly to start back to getting back to finding me and enjoying my loving husband and family and lot more than I do. I am done whining. At least I'm going to make an attempt at it.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Saturday, July 26, 2008

We're Winning

*From an AP article read earlier this evening*
In Baghdad, parks are filled every weekend with families playing and picnicking with their children. That was unthinkable only a year ago, when the first, barely visible signs of a turnaround emerged.

This is amazing! This is why we went over there I believe. To give those people a chance for a new chance at life. My little brother is over there and he tells me this stuff all the time. We never hear it in the news. So this was like a new tiny piece of grass growing in a dusty vast plain. YEAH!

Friday, July 25, 2008

Legally BLonde

So i spent my evening watching youtube stuff on Legally Blonde on Broadway stuff. My old camp freind that was my penpal for years, ended up being best friends with Laura Bundy, the first Legally blonde girl to go on Broadway.

That six degrees of seperation thing really works. It's hilarious to me at times. Anyway if we all sat around and talked about who we knew, we'd end up with someone famous. That means no one is greater. We all need friends no matter where are status in life is.

It's funny that I used to deem status as important. Then I found out sooner than later, Thank my Lord, that just believing that Jesus died for me, was all I needed ..That was a real humbling experience. It sucks tho. I want to be famous.

I want to sing on Broadway. But that is past me now. You know Barlow Girl lead singer wanted to be on Broadway and her sisters and her all had different plans until they found Jesus.

Then they knew they had to sing for him. Now they are famous in our context of famous. But so humble.

This is the balance I must find. I'm young, naive, and irritated. I'm saying what some people think. Maybe just me.

Anyway that's what I spent the evening doing. It's fun. My son is sleeping and my DH is playing video games on the WII. haha.


A provide who cares during the day for our children. Ask yourself. Will this provider change a poopie diaper as soon as it happens? Or on schedule every two hours because they have five other kids to change before yours. Does your child get held when he cries, or screams? What does provide mean? What do we want our children to know. Are they too young to realize what is happening to them?

When I was on my slam forward life in college getting my degree, pursuing all my high-anxiety dreams, my now husband came along like a smack in the face. It felt like that those long nights talking over coffee in Denny's. I shed so many tears, more like layers, of my cultured life.

I was telling him in my head he was a male chauvanist pig. Where did he get off telling me I would stay at home if we were to have children. What about my career? Did it not matter who I was?

He explained if you can, wouldn't you want to share in all these new things that your little baby is doing? Wouldn't you want to be there to take care of them when they are sick. Be ok to stay up with them through the night?

So here I am. Three years later, married, with an almost 2 year old son. I'm at home with him. It's been an amazing ride. Not easy, but easy at the same time.

I was validated in my choice to stay home with him this week. I was asked to volunteer at a daycare during a major transition period. Most of the workers left including the director. Scary!
For me as a parent it would be scary if my child was attending because the caretaker my young child has known since he's been born in some cases, is gone.

So here I am a stay at home mom in a daycare. Weird.
But I loved them just like my own. I gave them hugs. I held them. You can't hold your kids enough please believe. Don't listen to the ridiculous advice that you can hold your child too much. I was actually told at one point, I needed to put a screaming child down with their blanket. Because the parent requested them not be held. Why?

I will do the job according to what I know as a parent. I will love.
Thank God I don't have to do this every day. Kudos to those providers that care for our children.
When we cannot.